I know
by Nagini the Moon Goddess
Summary: Why are you such a brat? Why do I feel so much pain? She was angry, very angry. Seras glared at him, waiting, suffering under his gaze. Alucard sighed heavily. He knew what she felt, he knew her feelings, her fears. 'I know.' Was his reply. 'I know.'


A/N: Changed the story. Same plot, just differently written. There will be a new chapter or two once I'm done editing. It will be uploaded today. I'm sorry I have neglected this story for so long, I was just concentrating on 'Mommy Seras and Daddy Alucard' so much hat I haven't thought about anything new for this one. My apologies once again. My goal for now is 10 chapters, I plan to make this story as long and as interesting as my other one( it's mentioned above) so enjoy!

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_Pain._

It was something she had learnt to deal with ever since she was turned. She had experianced many types of pain. Muscle pain, headaches, pain in her bones, pain in her lungs. But the one that actually gets her down to her knees is heartache. When her heart throbs in her chest, it felt like someone is locked inside, banging their fists against her rib cage to come out. She could even hear the banging in her head.

It was happening now. She grabbed her head, gripping her blonde hair tightly. God, it hurts! She wanted to scream because she was fustrated. She wanted to scream because she was lost and confused. She wanted to scream because she was tired of crying, tired of seeing blood on her head from the tears she shed. She wanted to scream because of this pain.

_It's unbearable._

Her breathing grew rapid, she could breathe in the air around her. Her throat closed, she couldn't even let out a pathetic hiccup. It was tearing her up inside. It was fire. Fire inside her chest in her heart. God, she sounded so pathetic, so depressing.

_How could something like this happen to her?_

It was a question she had been asking herself for 20 years now and still she found no answer. Will there ever be one for her? It was all because of her stupid decision, her idiotic determination not to die when she just should've said 'No'! What good was this life to her anyway? She was just even more unhappy.

_What I'm feeling..._

It was an uwilling effort to keep living when she sometimes wished she would die. Death would end this torture for her, she knew it would. It tempted her may times. She didn't drink blood at first, not only becaus she found it morally wrong, but because she wanted to die. The only thing that stopped her...... Is knowing she could be close to the only one that she's ever wanted to be close too. As confusing as it sounded in her head, it made sense to her heart.

_It hurts so much._

Countless times she tried supressing it, this emptiness. What good does it do for her anyway? All it does is rip her apart, tiny atom by tiny atom, every time she moved that pain turned into something physical she couldn't bear. Damn it all to Hell!

_I can't stand You._

She couldn't. She couldn't be near without wanting to vomit, despite her desire to be close. Even now, she could taste the bile in her mouth. She turned bitter, into something she never wanted to be in the first place.

_When I see You._

Her heart would beat like a steady drum, keeping a slow rythm she could hear in her ears, feel the beating in the tips of her fingers. It was a lovely feeling. But it never helped her, she only suffered more then ever. When she saw him, her insides would twist and turn, knotting themselves like the roots of an ancient tree. Cold sweat would drip down her chin as her whole body started to shiver and shake, like she was freezing. These effects she got from him were annoying and troublesome. But that's all she ever was to any of them. Just a troublesome girl, confused, naiive, too innocent for th cruelty of this world.

_I hate You._

With every fibre of her body and soul she despised everyone of them. Pip, her commander, Sir Integra, Walter. That old man was the worst of those humans. He would comfort her, reassure her, when he knew. He knew, deep inside, she was nothing but a fool for being tempted into this hell of a so-called life. He knew she would become a monster like him, sooner or later and that it didn't matter how much she resisted. She was a pitiful fool. Yes, he was the worst of the humans there. She hated everyone, but the only one who deserved her true hatred, was _Him_.

_Ever since that night._

There was so much to learn, so much to do. She was eager, too eager to accept her life as an undead and still think she would keep her sanity and humanity intact. Maybe there was some of both left. Who knows? Twenty years took its toll on her. She heard whispers around the barracks that she was turning into him when she fought in battle. That she had lost most of her sanity anyway, since she carried his blood in her veins.

_Master Alucard_.

The name echoed in her mind, hollow and dead, like the rest of her. What had he really seen when he had changed her that night? Was it strength? Potential? Power? Lust, maybe? Who knows? At this question, she smiled, her fangs overlapping her bottom lip. It was a bitter smile, a sad one. She had asked herself '_Who knows?' _too many times, it just became a repeating habit of hers she couldn't break.

What sort of interest was she to him? Seeing him as her hero, she had been blinded, not truly seeing what sort of being he was.

"You're not normal." She whispered the words, snickering at the memory.

She had said those words twice that night in Cheddar, once out of horror and the second time out of relief. Yes, relief. She remembered exactly how that feeling washed over her, like salve over a wound. It soothed her instantly, knowing her hero wasn't human and that he could defeat that priest, who also wasn't human. But she knew he was stronger, much stronger then that priest and he had proven it.

But....

Had she known how lonely the life of the undead would be, how fast one's body got used to this pain, she would've said 'No.' . Whe would've died and gone to heaven, seen her parents again, she would've rested in peace because she would finally find peace.

Had she only known that, it would've been different.


End file.
